tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central July 25, 2012 1:00am-1:35am PDT
- what? - i'm--i don't know. - what? - ah! all: whoa. - [laughs] - yes, oh, my god. - surprise. - look at that. - beautiful, that is beautiful. - hey, it's our tenth anniversary. and i wanted it to be perfect for you, you know. when this baby comes, i'm gonna be sliced open like a sea bass, and i want you happy. - that's true. babies ruin vaginas. - this is the sexist, freakiest, most beautiful gift you have ever gotten me, but you know what? we need to quit this perverted arms race before somebody gets hurt. - oh, are you sure? - yeah. baby, i don't want to have sex with this coochie mold. i want to have sex with your real coochie for the rest of my life. - aw. - you know what? here. i'm "bequeefing" this to you. - you're queefing this to me? - oh, cool. - use it well. mm, girl, come here. you about to get tore up. - montez, you're not a total piece of [bleep]. man, you're the man. - i got the baby oil. go on in there with your fine ass, girl. - you're my hero, thank you. this is such a cool thing. - hey, hey! - we were gonna go. - close the door.
- can we borrow the r-- you said we could-- - we're supposed to borrow it to go to the xzibit concert? - just hurry up. - do you remember? - all right, we'll just wait. we'll wait a little bit. [montez and colleen moaning] - well, it's been like an hour. should we go get a snack or something? - yeah, it's hot, man. i could go for a drink. [splashing] - [moaning] - whoa! - yes. anything but a squirt. - nice. [snorting] [party horn blows] captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. we have a guest tonight, the
great matthew mcconaughey -- [cheers and applause] -- is going to be joining us. we're going to sit right here together, two men, one shirt. [ laughter ] settle down, the shirtless one is not the one you think it will be. [ laughter ] it's been so hot today. mmmm -- exciting for the show because for the first time since our show was taken off the air in the uk18 months ago, the uk can finally watch us every night again. that's right. we're back, baby. ba, ba, boom! it will be a right jolly rogering it will be. [ laughter ] in case our british viewers have been wondering what they may have missed there was the incredibly understated news of the world scandal coverage, our in no way derogatory look at
your queen's rain soaked birthday flotilla and the respectful coverage of your royal wedding. ♪ oh, yeah, hitler is hiding in there ♪ [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] hold on. sorry. i'm being told we're no longer on the air in the united kingdom. i forgotten paddington bear was (bleep) off during that scene for no apparent reason whatsoever. [ laughter ] been a rough ride as of late for the pasty friends across the pond. you had the british bank having to come clean with the terrorist business partnerships. the libor rate rigging scanneddal. you've got russell brand. i mean, it's been tough.
luckily all that is about to change. >> with just days to go before the london olympics britain is feeling olympic fever. >> it's the greatest games ever. >> jon: oh, the greatest games ever that, of course, the 2012 olympic mascot. [ laughter ] which is a boiled ham and a donald trump wig. [ laughter ] so i'm being told that is actually the mayor of london. his name is boris jon and apparently he was on this program and was very nice. [ laughter ] it's good to be back. [ laughter ] but actually boris is right, this is a time for londoners to be fill with excitement and writtan to rain supreme once more. a problems of security guards. >> 24 hour walkout by bodder guards. >> transportation nightmares. >> jon: thomas the tank engine
has crashed killing 50, stone heng has toppled like dominos and london bridge is falling down, i repeat london bridge is falling down. ♪ my fair lady". like an angel. [ laughter ] let's go through them one by one. security, how bad can it be? >> one police officer told us that the hotel where officials are staying there were supposed to be 80 guards, two showed up and within was arrested because he had marijuana in his pockets. [ laughter ] >> jon: you know it's bad when johnny wake and bake is the responsible guard. i can't imagine what is in the pockets of the other 78 guys who didn't show up. you want special k? you just need a good security trainer, a guy who is going whip these guys into shape. >> undercover sun video shows a security trainer who thinks
knives are not a threat. >> if you have a knife what kind of damage are they talking about doing with a knife? you can make stab, one or two or three people. >> jon: olympic organizers i have something you could add to the application, a question could you put in there? what do you believe is the acceptable number of acceptable number of stabbings on your watch? a, zero. b, anything other than zero. [ laughter ] all right. so security is an issue. transportation gridlock but it's notice a problem because public straption where london shines essentially the east midland train. any any londoner he will tell you nothing beats the old east midland train line. oliver come out here. >> yes, what? >> jon: let me ask you a
question? [cheers and applause] you're from london, right? >> sure, yeah used to live there, yeah. >> jon: how do you feel about the east midland train line? >> nothing beats the old east midland line. the most reliable way of getting from chesh here is-- cheshire to huffington square. >> jon: so the east midland line. >> cheers. >> the drivers are going on a three day olympic strike on the east midland lines. >> jon: what? how did you run an empire for 300 years? >> honestly, jon, i have no idea. [ laughter ] cheers! [ laughter ] [cheers and applause]
>> jon: we have dogs in the office. all right. don't worry. england, don't worry. remember china before the limb picks the stadiums weren't finished. there was apparently a three-mile toxic cloud that had to be moched there was criticism of china's appalling human rights and working conditions but the games began and the opening ceremonies started with the crazy drummers and global walking and calligraphy and the dancers in boxes. everybody was like you know what? you know what? if sports labor got that done, god bless. -- if forced labor got that done, goss bless because those dancing boxes didn't miss a (bleep) beat. mwah! it will be forgotten if you put on one hell of an opening ceremony. what have you got? >> it's the beginning of the show. it's a real meadow with real
grass, real animals and it's a green and pleasant land. there's a real cricket game going on and real animals. beneath it is a more pit. there's members of the public in there. [ laughter ] [ applause [cheers and applause] >> jon: two quick things: one, i really hope that is a scale model. [ laughter ] if not a scale model, the actual stadium for the upcoming mouse olympics. [ laughter ] oh, my d oh, my -- your three year life span makes a mockery of the competition. number two, really britain? the answer to the spectacle of the china's 2008 games is to let a few sheep loose on the tele tubbies set? that's what you get from a
through the cracks lewis black catches it for a segment we call "back in black." ♪ >> the presidential campaign is in full swing and every day brings another bland stump full of nabmbpamby platitudes. >> if you have a business, you didn't build that. we succeed because of our individual initiatives but also because we do things together. >> most americans hear that and they fall asleep. [ laughter ] but not the romney campaign. they got right to work making this. >> people who have worked hard, started a business and created jobs can't believe what president obama is saying about them. >> if you have a business, that -- you didn't build that. somebody else made that happen. >> unbelievable. >> what an insultth i'm
outraged. i can't believe he just said that. >> i can't believe it either. because he didn't just say that! [cheers and applause] campaigns have finally arrived in the 21st century. they can produce (bleep) at the same rate as actual bulls. physical romney could slow down for a minute he would realize he is attacking obama for something he agrees with. >> you olympians know you didn't get here solely on your own power. for most of you loving parents and siblings encouraged your hopes, coaches and others organized competitions. all olympians stand on the shoulders of those who lifted them. >> to be clear, running a business is something you do all by yourself, running a four minute mile, that takes a village. [cheers and applause]
but as long as your ad is fast it doesn't matter with it's wrong. just ask this guy in a romney ad who said he built his business without any help. >> my fathers hands didn't build this company. my hands didn't build this company. my sons hand are building this company. through hard work and a little bit of luck we tbhilt business. >> they did it with hard work, a little bit of luck and almost a million bucks in tax free government loans but mostly hard work. and romney is not the only one treating this campaign like a year-long opposite day. obama is accusing romney of discriminating against gays who want to adopt kids when what romney said was this. >> in my state individuals of the same sex were able to adopt children. in my view it's something which
people have the right to do. >> you don't need to lie to make romney look anti-gay. it's unnecessary. it's line katy perry adding fireworks to her breasts. we were already looking at them. [cheers and applause] but the romney campaign understands that the key to any good lie is specificity. >> whywhere did the obama stimulus money go? electric cars from finland. >> electric cars from finland? i'd say that you can't make that (bleep) up but they did it. [ laughter ] the money didn't come from the stimulus. the loan program was started by bush and i it wasn't for building electric cars from finland. it was for engineering jobs in the u.s. but the point is electric cars from enfinland ahhhh socialists. if you are watching these ads
and wondering are they allowed to lie, here is a tip: yes! >> what about arresting. should there be a aggressive seek them out find them and arrest them as sheriff arrest pieo indicate? >> there's a model here in arizona. >> since president obama took control in washington every sing day more than 100,000 jobs have been lost. >> for his first interview as president barack obama chose arab tv for an apology. >> wow, it's enough toll make you lose faith in this great country. is there anything we still hold to a standard of truth. >> the maker of the chocolate hazelnut spread new tella has been running ads claiming spreading it on stoaft a healthy way to start your kids off in the morning. today they backtracked on the ads andee toed to a $3 million
settlement for false claims. >> first, no one deserves that money, because anybody who believes that melted chocolate nut cream was a healthy way to start the day is an idiot. [cheers and applause] and second, america is back, baby! you may not need to be honest to be president but if we're going to spread you on toast, you damn well better be telling the truth, nutella 2012. ll hello, welcome to hotels.com.
you kiddin, brad? you're an all-american country music superstar! and this is my all-american jack combo! -a no-nonsense burger with two 100% beef patties, melting cheese, lettuce, and tomato, plus it comes with fries and a drink for just $4.99. what's more all-american than you? oh, i dunno... bald eagles? baseball? monster trucks? toddler pageants? spray tans? - really? dog sweaters?
welcome back my guest tonight has a new film called "killer joe." >> gowring to pay me for a service that i'm going to perform. you are going to give me the particulars of her schedule, her habits, i'll act on them accordingly. i won't give you many details on my activeities because the less you know, better for everyone involved. >> all right. >> now i only have a couple of rules that i insist on sticking to, insist. >> okay, yeah. >> fur caught, if you are implicated in this crime you are not under any circumstances to reveal my identity or participation. >> of course. >> if you breck this -- break
this rule, you'll be killed. [ laughter ] >> jon: that's a (bleep) rule. welcome back to the show matthew mcconaughey. [cheers and applause] what is happening? >> a whole lot, man. movies -- >> jon: you are a killer who strips at night. >> it's a romantic comedy. right after that scene i break into song and dance. [ laughter ] it happened. you said one of us was going to be shirtless. i thought it was going to be you. >> jon: are you -- let me ask you a question. because you are usually bigger than me but i feel like am i missing -- you seem -- that's a big suit. are you wearing a big suit. what is going on?
>> it's back here. it's sewed up. >> jon: oh, my god -- what is going -- are you okay? what is -- >> i lost 16 pounds you need to lose another 15. >> jon: you seem fat. >> it's for work, actually. i have something coming up in middle september playing a real life guy named ron wooddruf. in the eats 80s in dallas was a heterosexual guy, a electrician got h.i.v. not sure how he did it. some time he spent with ladies and doing some drugs. >> jon: this is for a role. >> this is for a role. >> jon: thank god because i thought. you get an actor on the show and they are like i've decide i'm only going to get asparagus. actors can be a little --, you know? >> no, no, no,. >> jon: have you ever done something where you had to physically transform.
>> i'm usually between 178 and 200. >> jon: you and i share so much except the height necessary to pull that off. [ laughter ] as soon as you said that range i was like wow that's on my medical records, too. i need to start eating asparagus. this movie right here. first of all, i'm not sure where you are getting the energy you got, two kids, another one on the way. magic mike, killer joe you are working on this other thing. are you feeling like this is the most fertile time of your career? >> fertile is the word. >> jon: in every way shape and form. >> things are sticking everywhere. >> jon: everywhere. [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> jon: is it for you -- settle down, people. i'll have the high school student explain to you how this all works. [ laughter ] you know, you are taking on more and more challenging roles.
you come out. it's one of those parts of an actors career. you come out, you are a star. you are in these -- now you are doing all the really interesting -- is that a conscious choice to branch out and challenge yourself with other thing? >> yeah, yeah the scripts i was getting two years ago everything i read i was like okay i did a version after this before. things that were new i thought i could do that tomorrow. it's not a bad thing. let's go back, work on family, make some other things stick. [ laughter ] take our time and wait until we get something that arrests me a little bit, scares me a little bit. these five independents came back to back to back to back. all the roles were very different. they all were chashts that really don't pander or placate to anybody's rules by their own, a singular-willed characters that i was a little bit scared
of but i was going to dive in and come out the other side and figure out who the guy is. they were all good directors. none of directors are going to say let's bring it back to convention, let's play it safer. >> jon: do you feel like you've learned more in this stretch than you had through the previous block of time in your career? >> hhhhmmmm -- i don't know if i've been learned more. been able to take the chains off with the roles and the people i've been working with. i've learned that it's kind of same way making a film when it's great like the very first film i did "dazed and confused." >> jon: great film. >> richard linkletter. i learned in that hire the right people, show up. he like many of these directors created an environment where you can do your work. everyone gives things. you steal things. it's a great to be stolen from on a set and it's a safe place
to come and play. >> jon: i've not heard it's a safe place to be stolen from and that used to be, in from what i understand, the motto of new york city. then we changed it to the big apple. >> it's the -- >> jon: come here and let us take your (bleep) was the original. i wish you all the best. it's always nice to see guys doing nice things, trying things. killer joe is a hell of a movie. >> do you have any kids coming. >> jon: do i have more? do you know something i don't know? killer joe new york on friday and select stoins august 3. matthew